last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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