I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
