i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
FUCK WHALES
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
