Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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