Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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