you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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