wakey wakey hands off snakey
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
now i know why i became what i already was.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
