new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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