there's paper in my vomit.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
