I think i peed on brittanys purse
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
