so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
