the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
