so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
