Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
