Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
