She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
