So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
