you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pants are for mortals
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
