Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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