I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i came on her dog
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
