Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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