Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
