Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
