he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize