I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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