Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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