Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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