so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
