I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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