Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
