I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
