Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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