Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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