i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
