look no pants
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
