Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
