I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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