community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
