im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
