Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
we should paint friendship bongs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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