It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
