I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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