I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
