he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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