Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
