I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
