I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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