Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
