Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
