there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
