Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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