Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
