I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity