Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
