remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
