If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
