who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
