I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
